Sookie joins Eric on the New York police force and they try to solve a copycat case based on the movie, Seven. Written for the 7 Deadly Sins Contest. Rated: M – Parody/Humor – Chapters: 1 – Words: 2,741 – Published: 10-9-10
I don’t own these two crazy kids. I also don’t own Seven.
Thank you to my wonderful beta, Thyra10.
After Sookie Stackhouse and I broke up, I left Fangtasia in Pam’s capable hands and moved to New York.
I needed a fresh start, a new life. Sookie broke my undead heart when she decided she wanted nothing more to do with the supe world and she moved to Springfield, Missouri. Yes, I loved her, but I knew she’d be better off without me and all the vampire baggage I came with.
I joined the police force in New York and was immediately made a detective because of my vampire status. I could scare the bejesus out of the perps just by looking at them. The New York crime rate dropped by 50% in the first six months I was on the force.
I felt pretty good about the dent my presence made in crime, but I was also quite bored with the job. I missed my more challenging career of sitting on a throne in a bar and called Pam to tell her I was coming home.
I gave my notice to the captain and he said he’d assign a new supe partner to shadow me for my last week and I could train her to take my place.
I was looking forward to teaching the newbie some of my scariest facial expressions until the night she walked into the precinct and my jaw dropped. My replacement was Sookie Stackhouse.
I immediately felt her lust through the bond and thought, “Yeah, I’ve still got it,” until I noticed she was looking at the cop sitting at the desk behind mine and he looked just like Brad Pitt. Two can play this game, I thought as I walked back and planted a big wet kiss on Detective Pitt-ish.
The handsome cop pulled back with complete terror in his eyes as I whispered, “That’s my ex-wife over there. Just play along.”
Unfortunately, he jumped up and wet his pants as he ran out of the room screaming. Whatever happened to bros before hos?
Sookie came over and said, “I see you haven’t lost your touch. Still chasing people away?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked. “Leaving was your idea, not mine.”
She just glared at me and I glared back until the captain came out of his office and said, “Okay, break it up, you two. You’ve got a case.”
Sookie and I snapped out of our game of chicken as the captain handed me the file for our new case.
“Great,” Sookie said sarcastically. “If we’re going to have to work together all week, it’s sure to be raining every night. There go my new suede pumps.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Didn’t you see the movie, Seven?” she replied. “We have to relive that whole film.”
“Sookie, don’t be ridiculous. This is real life—not some stupid Hollywood movie.”
The captain interrupted me, “Actually, Eric, she’s right. This is a copycat case.”
I opened the folder in my hands and sure enough, it was labeled “The Seven Deadly Sins Case—Very Similar to the One in that Movie.”
“I don’t know what’s going on between you two but you’d better put your personal feelings aside and get to the first crime scene,” the captain said soberly.
When Sookie and I arrived at the address in the file, we found a tiny dark apartment filled with police. Some were dusting for fingerprints and others seemed to just be lifting the yellow crime scene tape for other officers to walk under. I noticed a couple of them playing limbo with the tape and gave them a growl.
Sookie walked into the kitchen and called for me to join her. There was a huge fat man sitting at the table, face down in a plate of spaghetti. I leaned in closely to try and get a better look, but it was too dark to really see much.
Suddenly, Sookie flipped on a light switch and the whole room lit up. The fat man lifted his head and blinked sleepily as he looked around the room.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
Every cop in the room stopped what they were doing and stared at the man with marinara sauce on his face.
“You’re alive!” Sookie exclaimed.
“Yeah, of course, I’m alive,” he said, confused. “I was just having some dinner and must have fallen asleep.”
I made a note in the file that he wasn’t dead as he offered the cops some spaghetti. “There’s plenty for everyone!” he said. “I made extra!” he added cheerfully.
All the cops filled their plates and ate. Sookie stuffed her face with garlic bread as she gave me dirty looks.
“Wait,” I said. “If there’s no crime here, why were we sent here?”
Sookie mumbled something about a clue behind the refrigerator, but she was hard to understand with her mouth full of bread.
I pushed the refrigerator away from the wall and sure enough, an address was eerily scrawled across the wall in the grime that often settles behind large appliances.
I jotted it down and told everybody to meet me there after they had finished dinner.
I knocked on the door at the mysterious address and a man answered who identified himself as a Mr. Gould. He invited me into his apartment and his wife joined us. She was a lovely woman, but had odd red eyeliner around her eyes. I didn’t think much of it until Sookie joined me at the scene (reeking of garlic, by the way) and said, “Ah ha!” as she met Mrs. Gould.
“What is it?” Mrs. Gould asked.
“Do you notice anything unusual in this room?” Sookie asked the oddly made up woman.
“No, nothing, except for the fact that that one painting is hanging upside down. But it’s modern art, so I figured it really didn’t make any difference.”
Sookie approached the painting hanging on the wall and removed it, revealing the words “Wash me” written in the dust on the wall.
“Oh my god!” Mrs. Gould shrieked. “That wall is filthy!”
“Yes, well, it’s nothing compared what I just saw behind a refrigerator,” I said.
We all nodded in agreement and the Goulds vowed to fire their housekeeper before we left.
As Sookie and I headed back to the precinct, she stepped in a puddle and cursed me for being the cause of her ruined suede pumps.
“It’s all your fault!” she said. “If you hadn’t been here, I’d be having a normal week and the weather would be fine. How was I to know you’d be my new partner and we’d have to relive that awful movie?”
“Wait, Sookie,” I interrupted. “Why exactly did you move to New York and take the job as a detective if it wasn’t to see me again?”
“Money. That’s it. This job pays a lot more than my job with the Springfield police force. I had no idea you’d be here, Eric.”
My heart sank, knowing she was telling the truth. I realized that a part of me had hoped that Sookie had come to New York to find me. I missed her. I still loved her. But I couldn’t tell her. I knew she was better off without me, and so I kept my mouth shut.
For the following three nights, Sookie called in sick and I worked the case alone. I was pissed that she stayed at home and a probe of the bond revealed that she felt just fine. I knew she was just playing hooky to avoid me and it really infuriated me.
I followed some leads in the file on my own. I went to the library to see who had checked out books about the seven deadly sins. I went to a man’s apartment who had checked out some books but it turned out he was just doing research for a story he was writing for a fanfiction contest. That was a dead end.
I visited some sex paraphernalia shops to see if anyone had special-ordered any dildos with knife blades attached, but that lead nowhere as well. I did pick up some edible underwear that was on sale two-for-one and stocked up on tubs of butt jelly while I was there. I was almost out and had recently read Let Love In on fanfiction. I was hoping to relive my distant past by having my prostate probed sometime soon.
At the end of the week I was on my way to some modeling agencies to see if any models had had their noses cut off, when Sookie strolled into work.
“How nice of you to grace us with your presence,” I said sarcastically when she came into the precinct.
“I had cramps!” she shouted angrily.
“Did not!” I shot right back.
“Did too!” she spat.
We went back and forth like that for about an hour when suddenly we noticed a hush fall over the entire precinct.
Every cop stopped what they were doing and watched in awe as Kevin Spacey calmly walked through the front door and surrendered himself.
“I’m looking for Eric Northman,” he said as he hit his knees and placed his hands on the back of his head compliantly.
I cuffed him and forced him to sit at a desk and sign autographs for the entire force and their wives and kids until he finally cracked and said he’d show us something “worth our while” if we took him for a ride in a police car.
Sookie and I drove him to the outskirts of town while he taunted us from the backseat, not telling us what his next film project would be even though we begged. Sookie tried to read his mind, but said all she got was, “La,la,la,la,la,la.”
I thought he might be thinking of a sequel to Beyond the Sea, but Sookie felt sure he was just blocking her probe with jibberish.
When we reached a deserted field, Sookie and Kevin walked out into it together while I stayed at the car waiting for the van delivery. I knew it was coming, of course, having seen the movie.
Sure enough, a man delivered a human head-sized box and took off running before I had a chance to tip him. I carefully opened the box and fought back my emotions when I saw its contents. It held a styrofoam head with a thinning blond wig on it.
I looked out to Sookie and Kevin and he smiled smugly as he said to her (I could hear him with my vampire hearing, of course.), “That’s precisely why I won’t work for HBO. They put that on Alexander Skarsgard, nearly ruining his reputation as a hunk. What do you think they’d do to me?”
Sookie nodded in agreement, knowing we were both defeated and would never be able to argue with him. The wig was hideous.
Kevin walked away and I watched him catch a cab in the next block and take off. Sookie returned to the police car and we both got in and sat staring at the windshield for a long moment.
Finally, she spoke. “Oh, Eric. What does it all mean?”
“I think it means that Kevin Spacey won’t do television. He seemed pretty firm about that.”
“No, not that. What does this mean for us? The case has fallen apart. We haven’t found any crimes that showcase the seven deadly sins at all. We’re a failure as partners.”
“Well, wait. Maybe not. Let’s think about this. Name one of the sins.”
“Envy,” she said and turned to look at me.
“Okay. What was the first thing you felt when you saw me?”
“Let’s see. I liked your sweater. You had some blood on the collar and I wondered if cold water would get that out. I read somewhere that spit gets blood out.”
“Fast forward a little.”
“Okay, I was jealous when I watched you swapping tongues with that cop who looked like Brad Pitt.”
Our eyes widened as we both said in unison, “Envy.”
“And then what went through your mind after that?” I asked.
“Um … we got the case file and I was mad that my new pumps would be ruined in the rain ….”
“Pride,” I said, interrupting her and she nodded in agreement.
“You’re right,” she admitted.
“And what was your response to that first stop we made at the spaghetti guy’s apartment?”
“I thought he should have checked into pilates. At least joined a gym.”
“No, after that. Think hard,” I said.
“I wanted to eat garlic bread to piss you off. A lot of garlic bread,” she answered.
“Gluttony,” I said.
“Okay. What else?” she asked.
She sheepishly looked at me and said in a tiny voice, “I really did have cramps.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Dang that bond,” she pouted. “Okay, so maybe that was the sloth part. But, I haven’t been greedy. That one definitely doesn’t fit.”
“Why did you say you took this job?” I asked.
“Oh yeah,” she said. “For the money. But I was just being practical. Everybody needs money.”
I just sat and looked at her for a minute until she said, “Okay. That’s greed.”
“What about wrath?” I asked.
Sookie took a deep breath and said, “Honestly, Eric, I’ve been nothing but angry since I got here. I’m just so mad at you for … I don’t really know what for. I’m just mad.”
“I know. I’ve been mad too. I think I’m still pissed that you left me.”
“I only left because I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”
“But that wasn’t true, Sookie. I wanted you. I still want you. I thought you deserved a better life—a life without vampires in it.”
“But, I hate my life without you in it. I’ve missed you so much,” she said.
“And, I’ve missed you, lover.”
Sookie launched herself at me and suddenly we were kissing madly. Our hands began to unbutton and unzip every piece of clothing between us and very soon she was on her back and I was rhythmically explaining to her how much I’d missed her without using words. Or my hands.
When we were both satisfied and coming down from our highs, I said, “So, I guess that was lust.”
“No, Eric, that was love,” she answered. “Lust was what I felt when I first saw that Brad Pitt guy that first night at the precinct.”
We both cracked up and giggled and tickled each other until the hour grew late. Sometimes the tickling morphed into a fun game of “arrest and cavity search.” (Cops just love it.) I took Sookie to her apartment to get some clothes and then she came home with me.
That night we decided that we didn’t want to be apart any longer. With Sookie as my partner, I knew I’d never be bored with my job anymore and I decided to stay on as a detective. I was excited at the prospect of fighting crime with my scary faces and Sookie’s ability to read the minds of the suspects. New York’s criminals didn’t stand a chance.
The captain was disappointed that we hadn’t solved The Seven Deadly Sins Case. I kept it to myself, of course, but I had actually solved it. After Sookie came home with me that night, I flipped through the file as she lay sleeping contentedly beside me. I passed over the pages of case notes and found the last page in the file. It was just a blank page with the words “Love, Pam” written across the bottom. Case solved. Moving on. Watch out, New York. Sookie Stackhouse and I are on the next case.