Suki59's Fanfiction

Nobody’s Fool

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Sookie gets an unusual visit from her fairy godmother that results in some changes in our favorite Viking. This won second place in The Saint Eric Contest. Rated: M – Parody/Humor – Chapters: 1 – Words: 2,637 – Published: 3-5-11

Thank you to peppermintyrose for the hysterical banner she made for me.

As always, I don’t own these characters.

I was leaving Merlotte’s just after dusk one night after working a long shift. Eric was supposed to come over and I was looking forward to a quiet evening at home.

I was startled out of my reverie as I approached my car and saw a transparent Claudine emerge from the woods and stop a few feet in front of me.

“Claudine? Are you … a ghost?” I stammered, wondering if I was losing my mind.

“Oh no, Sookie! I’m real. Well, kind of. I’ve been allowed a visit from the Summerland to give you a warning.”

“Oh no, is something bad going to happen?”

“I hope not. As your fairy godmother, it’s my duty to protect you, even from the grave.”

“Wow, that’s dedication.”

“Yes. I’ve learned from my perch above the earth that in a parallel universe, a woman writer is writing a series of books based on your life.”

“What? That’s crazy! Why would someone do that?”

“To make it rich selling the rights to Alan Ball, of course.”

“Who’s Alan … oh, never mind.”

“The books are called The Southern Vampire Mysteries.”

“Really? I like that.”

“But there’s a problem. It seems she’s been contracted to write several more books, but her publisher is quite put out with her because in the past couple of books, she seems to have forgotten to include any actual mysteries in the stories.”

“Oh dear. But what does that mean for me?”

“Well, she needs you to find a mystery to solve soon so she’ll have a story idea for the next book. Otherwise, she can be sued for breach of contract and her kids won’t be able to finish college.”

“Wow, that’s a lot of pressure for me.”

“It gets worse. If she can’t write about you anymore, you’ll be stuck in the current book, which is what’s happening now.”

“What? But I’m real! How can I be stuck in a book? That’s crazy!”

“Not too long ago, you didn’t believe in vampires, shape shifters, or fairies. Do you still think that your concept of ‘real’ is reliable? Don’t you think it’s possible there’s more to this world than what you can imagine?”

“Hmm. I see your point. So, what can be done?”

“Well, you have 24 hours to discover a mystery that needs solving. Then, the writer can write about how you go about solving it. If you haven’t found one by this time tomorrow night, your future will be stuck in the present and you’ll be doomed to live in the world as it is now—in the current book. Plus, that writer’s kids will have to drop out of school.”

Claudine began to back away from me.

“Wait! Don’t go! How will I know what kind of mystery I need to find?”

“It will be clear to you. Just look for the signs.”

And with that she vanished into the woods.

I was stunned and took a moment to absorb what I’d seen and heard, but really, it was nothing compared to all the unbelievable stuff I’d discovered in the recent past. If there are vampires and fairies and my boss can shift into a dog, why can’t there be a writer in a parallel universe watching me and writing my life?

I jumped into my car and started to drive home. I knew I’d have to keep sharp and really stay on my toes in order to see the signs Claudine spoke of. My future depended on it.

As I pulled into my driveway, I saw a strange car—a new SUV, sitting in front of my house. I got out and heard a sound from above me. Could learning who was driving the SUV be the mystery?

Suddenly, Eric flew down from the roof and landed in front of me. I was startled, but even more surprised to see he was wearing nothing but a tool belt and a smile.

“Hello, lover,” he purred as he gave me a kiss and a couple of his tools shifted. “Do you like my new car?”

“What? This is yours? What happened to the Corvette?”

“I traded it in for something more practical and less flashy. This way women won’t be constantly flirting with me at every stoplight. And see, I filled it with firewood for you. I’ll be able to haul things you might need.”

“Wow, that was thoughtful.”

“Yes, lover, well, I think of nothing but you and your needs. You know that.”

We began to walk towards the house and Eric used his vampire speed to unload all the firewood and stack it neatly beside the house as I was heading inside for a bite to eat.

Eric came into the kitchen behind me and removed his tool belt, replacing it with an apron that said “Kiss the Cook” at crotch level.

“So, what were you doing on the roof, Eric?”

“Oh, I fixed that pesky leak. It turned out a tree limb had fallen onto the roof, causing some damage. Mystery solved.”

“Mystery solved?” Could this be the mystery I was looking for?

“Yes, lover. Now we know what caused the leak, but I repaired it so you’ll have one less worry.”

“Thank you.”

Eric walked across the kitchen, giving me a perfect view of his world-class behind as he bent to retrieve something from the oven.

“Something smells amazing, Eric.”

“Yes, lover, I’ve made you a chocolate soufflé for dinner.” He pulled the dish from the oven and set it on the counter to cool. “I know your special ladies’ time is only a few days away, and I thought you might enjoy some chocolate for dinner. Then, I thought we could watch some Ashton Kutcher movies on TV while I massaged your feet.”

“Wow, that sounds like heaven, Eric!”

“Yes, I thought it might.”

I sat at the table and Eric asked about my day while I devoured the chocolate soufflé. Then he cleaned the kitchen and ran the vacuum cleaner while I watched his apron strings tickle his butt as he vacuumed his way out towards the living room.

I followed him out as he stopped to fluff up the throw pillows on the sofa, humming softly to himself.

“I think I’ll take a bath,” I announced.

“Oh here, let me help, lover.”

He raced into the bathroom and I heard the water running as I went into the bedroom to step out of my uniform.

“Let me get that,” Eric said as he caught my shorts before they hit the floor. “I’ll finish the laundry while you’re having a soak.”

I stepped into the bathroom and closed the door for some privacy since I needed to use it for my “human needs.”

Eric gently rapped on the door while I was sitting there and said, “Let me know if you’d like me to wipe your ass, lover.”

“I’m good, thanks!”

Some things were better done alone.

I relaxed into the tub, listening to Eric continue his house cleaning and thinking of Claudine’s warning. She said the mystery would be clear to me and that I should watch for signs.

A knock on the front door broke my train of thought.

“I’ll get it, lover!” Eric shouted from the laundry room.

I waited and listened, wondering if my visitor might be bringing me a mystery to solve.

I heard men’s voices and then the front door closed and Eric appeared at the bathroom door in his apron.

“Who was it?” I asked.

“Your brother. He said he had a problem—a problem that only you could help him with.”

“Really? Like a mystery he needs me to solve?”

“Yes, something like that. I offered him the ten thousand dollars I had in my wallet and that seemed to satisfy him, so he left.”

“You gave Jason ten thousand dollars?”

“Yes, lover. Should I have offered more?”

“No … no. Wait, where’s your wallet, anyway? You’re not wearing any pants.”

“Oh, my clothes are neatly folded in the SUV. Don’t worry, I would never take up any of your drawer or closet space with my things. I know how you need your space.”

“Oh, right.” I relaxed back into the tub and Eric gave me a kiss before continuing his housework.

I emerged from the bath an hour later, feeling relaxed and happy, but when I walked into the kitchen, Eric looked startled. He was sitting at the table with a pen and paper and tried to cover what he was writing with his hand when he saw me.

“What are you doing?” I asked. Maybe this was the mystery I was seeking.

“Oh, lover, you caught me! I was just writing a poem about your vagina. I was going to surprise you with it. You know how your beauty inspires me to be more than I ever dreamed I could be. You’re the muse behind my recent birth of paintings and symphonies and love sonnets.”

“I am?”

“Oh, yes. You are the wind beneath my wings. Hey, that reminds me—Beaches is on tonight! Let’s watch it together. I’ll make you some popcorn.”

“No, no, that’s okay. I’m not hungry. Let’s just go to bed, okay?”

“Of course, lover.”

Eric got up and removed his apron, revealing the result of his poetry. He swept me off my feet and took me to bed and made love to me for hours.

I was starting to feel exhausted after my fourth orgasm and Eric must have noticed and he stopped.

“No, Eric, don’t stop. You haven’t come yet. Or bitten me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Sookie. I don’t need to come as long as I know you’re satisfied, and I’ll have a True Blood later so I won’t make you anemic by drinking your blood. Your health is all that matters.”

He pulled out and tucked me under the covers before he went into the kitchen to get me a glass of water and a dozen red roses.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, the room was filled with beautiful harp music. My foggy brain tried to make sense of it until I opened my eyes and saw Eric sitting in the corner of the room, playing a harp, still quite naked.

“Do you need anything, lover?” he asked as he stopped playing. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“Um … that’s a harp.”

“Yes, Pam brought it over while you were asleep, along with your surprise.”

He gestured towards the foot of the bed and there was a tiny kitten curled up between my feet fast asleep.

I sat up and picked her up. She purred in my hands as I held her to me.

“You got me a kitten?”

“Don’t worry, lover, I’ll feed her and clean her litter box and take care of the vet bills. All you have to do is love her.”

“Oh, Eric! I do love her! Thank you!”

“Now you won’t be lonely during the day while I’m dead to the world.”

“I’m sorry I missed Pam’s visit.”

“That’s okay, you needed your rest. She told me Victor Madden came to Fangtasia tonight and threatened to take over Area 5.”

“Oh no!” Surely, this had something to do with the mystery.

“Don’t worry, I told him he could have it. And I gave Fangtasia to Pam. I want more free time to take care of you, Sookie. I’ve enrolled in a massage and pedicure class, and, of course, I want to learn more songs to play for you on my harp.”

“You want to devote your time to me?”

“Yes, lover, but don’t worry, I won’t impose on your personal freedom, but simply enhance your life in every possible way.”

I lay back on the bed, holding my new kitten and began to get sleepy again.

“Go to sleep, lover,” Eric said as the harp music began again very softly. “I’ll stay in the hidey hole so I can get an early start on more home improvement projects when I rise tomorrow night. Then I can show you all the ways I love you …”

And with that, I was fast asleep.

The following day, I had the lunch shift again and I watched carefully for signs of a mystery, but nothing was obvious to me. I even lowered my shields, but learned nothing.

As I was leaving work, looking forward to another evening with Eric, Claudine appeared again and approached me in the parking lot.

“Claudine! Hi! It’s great to see you again.”

“Hello, Sookie. Your 24 hours is up. I’m here to find out what mystery you’ve discovered to solve.”

“Hmmm. I was afraid of that. I’m not sure I have a mystery to report.”

“Really? It should have been obvious. There was nothing unusual about the past 24 hours?”

“No, not really.”

“No unusual behavior from anyone that might warrant explanation? No one acted out of the ordinary—out of character?”

“Well, … maybe.”

Claudine’s face brightened as she waited to hear what I’d discovered.

“Wait, though. You said if I don’t discover the mystery, then the next book can’t be written?”

“That’s right.”

“And, my life will remain just as it is now?”


“Then, no, I’m afraid I haven’t seen anything mysterious. Nope, nothing at all.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m real sorry about that writer and that her kids won’t be able to finish college.”

“So am I. Hopefully, she’ll have enough money from Alan Ball to make up for the loss.”

“Yeah, whatever that means.”

“Well, I have to get back to the Summerland, Sookie. I’ll be watching over you and I’ll come and see you again.”

“Okay, thanks, Claudine. I’ll see you next time then.”

She blew me a kiss and disappeared into the woods. I climbed into my car, eager to get home.

How bizarre that someone was writing books about my life. And how strange that somehow, I might have some say in what would happen in the next book. I chalked it up to just another incredible revelation in the supe world and started driving home.

It was a pity about that writer’s children not finishing college, but hey, I never went and I was fine. Yes, of course, I knew what the mystery was, but nothing would ever pry it from my lips. People may call me crazy, but no one can say I’m a fool.



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