All in a Day
We pick up right where Dead Reckoning ends and finish off the day with Sookie. Her life is never dull. Written for the Dead After Dead Reckoning Contest. Rated: M – Parody/Humor – Chapters: 1 – Words: 3,304 – Published: 5-18-11
Thank you to Thyra10 for being such an awesome beta.
I don’t own these characters. Please note that although this is a parody of Charlaine Harris’s work, I do adore her and truly love these characters.
I had just started to relax on the sofa and pushed “play” to start my Jeopardy tape when it dawned on me that I wanted the cluviel dor. I hit “pause” and went to retrieve it. It somehow made me feel good to be around it.
I held it in my hand and noticed it vibrated slightly. I wasn’t wearing a belt to hide it behind, so I just stuck it down into the crotch of my shorts. Yes, it certainly made me feel good. It was so mysterious as to why that was though. Hmmm. Fairy magic, I suppose. I wanted to think about that some more. And wear it in my panties a lot more while I contemplated it.
I lay back onto the sofa and returned to Jeopardy, although admittedly, I was having trouble concentrating on the show, enjoying the nearness of my cluviel dor.
I heard a car coming up the drive and cursed silently that my relaxing time was being interrupted. I popped the cluviel dor back into its hiding place in my bedroom and went to look out the front window.
Tara was getting out of the car and looking up at the house. I went to open the door and saw her step into the bloody mess where Sandra Pelt had been killed. Oopsies!
“Don’t mind the mess!” I called out.
Tara smiled and wiped her shoes on the patch of grass by the front porch. “I just never know what I’m going to step in here, Sookie!” She laughed and shook her head.
“I know, right?” It seemed I was always killing someone or hiding bodies lately.
“I just wanted to see if you needed any help cleaning up after the baby shower,” she said as she came through the front door.
“No, thanks. I’m all done. I just need to take out the trash.” I pointed to the bags of wrapping paper that needed to be recycled. “You’re sweet, though.” (But where was she when we needed help carrying the body? We could have used an extra pair of hands. I pictured her pregnant and trying to lift the bloody corpse that used to be Sandra Pelt and had a little laugh to myself. Maybe I could use her to help me get the remaining attic cast-off furniture off the porch and out of the living room. I was just about to ask her when she interrupted my thoughts.)
“Oh, okay. Well, then, I guess you don’t need me. Anything else I can do? Hose down your driveway?” She gave me a wink.
“No, silly, I’m good. Want some sweet tea?”
“No thanks. I guess I’ll just go home then.”
(So much for helping me move furniture. Lazy thing.)
I gave her a hug and watched as she waddled back to her car, carefully stepping around the bloody spot.
As she drove away, I saw Mr. Cataliades dart across the lawn chased by some gray blurry figures. It occurred to me how funny it was that his name was Desmond. Like Demon, only just a little different. Get it? I started to laugh as he dashed back across the lawn in the other direction, pure terror on his face.
I closed the door and went back to my Jeopardy tape. It just wasn’t as interesting though without my cluviel dor, so I turned the tape off and went towards the bedroom.
But as I passed by the bags of wrapping paper, I felt a little guilty because I hadn’t completed my task of cleaning up after the baby shower.
I picked up the bags and started out the back door. As I trudged through the woods, I passed Mr. Cataliades and the gray things twice, still running at full speed. For a heavy man, he sure was nimble.
When I came to the clearing, I knelt down and looked around until I found the fairy portal. I shoved the bags through and shouted, “Love you, Niall! Miss you!” before standing and heading back to the house.
I thought how lucky I was that the portal was big enough for my big bags of trash as well as the occasional dead body, especially since it was apparently much too small for Claude to go through.
I’d only gotten a few yards back towards the house though when suddenly, it started to rain. Hard. It was as if the sky had just opened up. I was immediately soaked and began running through the woods.
I caught another glimpse of Mr. Cataliades and the gray things and thought, gosh, what if they’re after me? Sure, they seemed solely intent on chasing him and completely ignored me, but still, what if I were in danger? I knew there were wards on the house, but I couldn’t remember who had put them there or removed them. It was too much to keep up with.
I changed course immediately and started running for Bill’s house. I stopped by the front porch and peeled away every stitch of clothing and stashed it all behind a bush. I squeezed the water from my hair and shook my body like a dog.
Sure, if some bad creatures caught me now, I’d be much more vulnerable, but it was only natural to think to get naked while being chased. The fact that I stopped and took the time to undress also made perfect sense even though the gray things ran so fast they were just a blur.
I retrieved the spare key from its hiding place and went inside the house. I instinctively turned to lock the front door behind me but then thought, no, that’s just what they’d expect me to do! I’ll throw them off by leaving the door unlocked. In fact, maybe I’ll just leave it wide open and really confuse them!
I started to walk towards the kitchen, careful to step only on the rugs. Yes, in spite of my efforts, my hair and skin were still sopping wet and dripping all over the place, but there wasn’t much I could do about that, now was there?
I hop-scotched across the rugs until I came to the pantry and opened the panel to Bill’s hidey hole. I felt around and found him lying on his back, completely nude and erect. I climbed on top of him and squatted over him to make sure he was where I thought he was, feeling around with my hands and other body parts.
He woke briefly and just said, “Still daytime,” and was back out again.
I listened carefully to make sure no one had followed me while I rubbed myself along Bill’s body, trying to dry off. But no matter how hard I rubbed, I just couldn’t get all of me quite dry.
Pretty soon, I felt nice and warm—kind of like I felt when I was with the cluviel dor. After awhile, I rolled off of Bill and wished I had a cigarette.
I decided the danger had probably passed and so I went outside and picked up my clothes by the bushes and went home. It had stopped raining and I was covered with dirt from being wet and naked underneath Bill’s house and felt like I needed a shower.
Once I was home, I was enjoying the hot water of the shower, wishing I’d thought to bring my cluviel dor in with me when I thought I heard something in my room.
I turned the water off and quietly toweled myself off. I wondered if I had time to throw on a table cloth, but decided against it and just tiptoed into my bedroom. I stopped when I saw my bed.
There underneath the covers was a shirtless Alcide Herveaux, smiling cockily at me.
“What the …?” I started.
“Hey, Sookie!” he purred.
“That’s it!” I shouted. “Everyone out of my house! I mean it!” I yelled back towards the rest of the house. “I’m kicking all of you out!”
Alcide just grinned and said, “There’s no one else here.”
“Yeah, really. I checked already. It’s just you and me.”
I lowered my shields and sure enough, there was no one else in the whole house. “Okay, well … in that case ….”
I kind of hopped over to the bed and Alcide held the covers up for me to climb in with him. He was nice and warm and just as naked as I was. We spent the next few hours grateful to be alone together in the house. I showed him my cluviel dor and he agreed it was pretty special.
Afterwards, we were lying in bed and I watched the room growing dim as the sun set. I was thinking how nice it was that I no longer had the bond with Eric so he didn’t have to endure my every feeling. It turned out that was a pretty good decision on my part—breaking the bond.
Alcide had a pack meeting to get to, which was a good thing because just as he was driving off, Dermot came in through the back door.
We heated up a frozen pizza and ate in front of the TV before he announced he needed to get to the hardware store before it closed to get some supplies to work on the attic.
“Need anything while I’m out?” he asked.
“I do need to pick up a prescription,” I thought out loud. Alcide’s visit reminded me I was almost out of birth control pills. “But you can’t do that for me. They’ll ask for an I.D.”
“No problem,” he said. “Just let me borrow your license. I can just change myself to look like you. No biggie.”
“Really? Wow, that’s cool! In that case, sure!”
Dermot took off to run “our” errands. (Love that! How handy!)
I changed from my favorite table linens into a strapless dress in spite of the fact that I am quite busty. (Dermot had just commented on that, as a matter of fact. Maybe because the tablecloth I was wearing was made of lace?) I stepped into my best white pleather shoes. I wondered briefly why Eric always felt the need to buy me expensive clothes. My clothes were obviously very tasteful and attractive—the best Wal-Mart had to offer.
My white belt had blood stains on it from the battle at Fangtasia the night before, so I stuffed it in the trash. I didn’t have the belt buckle to hide the cluviel dor any more so I just popped it into my panties instead.
I did my hair and makeup and then started the drive to Fangtasia. The bar was closed because of the previous night’s brawl, so I used my key to let myself in the front door. The usual crew was there mopping up the blood and vampire ash and picking up the pieces of broken furniture and wooden stakes leftover from the fight.
I passed them with a smile and a wave and headed back to see Eric.
He was seated at his desk with a pained expression on his face. I was determined to find out more about this arranged marriage to Oklahoma and sat down in the chair in front of his desk to ask some questions.
“Eric,” I said. (Yes, we were in love, but we never felt the need to kiss or hug when we said hello or goodbye.)
“Sookie,” he answered soberly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t stay and have sex with you last night, but I figured you’re pretty used to that by now. We hardly ever stay together anyway, right?”
“So, what’s the deal with this Oklahoma woman? Are you planning on marrying her?”
“Yes. My hope is to marry her to please my dead maker and secure my position in the political world while being able to still boink you whenever I feel like it. Of course, I’ll boink her as well.”
“Really?” I was surprised he was being so frank. “I’m shocked.”
“I thought you might be.”
“Well, yeah. I’ve never heard you use the word boink before. That’s like some lame girly-word I’d use.”
“Oh, right. Okay, I intend to fuck you both.”
“That’s more like it. So, really?”
“Yes. And I’d also like to throw you into the mix whenever I need to fight a bunch of ruthless vampires, even though you’re human and quite vulnerable.”
“Gosh, that seems kind of wrong.”
“Well, it’s the truth. Oh, and I hate that outfit.”
“I don’t know what to say, Eric.” He had never been so open and completely honest with me before.
“Are you satisfied with my answers?” he asked.
“Yes. They’re true, right?”
“Well, then, yes, I am.”
With that, he made a funny face for a brief instant and pushed back in his chair.
Pam emerged from beneath the desk, pulling a latex glove off with a snap.
“Pam?” I asked, as she stood and tossed the glove in the trash bin marked “Bio Hazard” just beside the shredder. “What are you doing?”
She smiled, happy to see me. “The only way I can ever get him to tell you the whole truth is to stick my hand up his ass and wiggle my fingers. I figured you deserved to know about this Oklahoma thing.”
She left the room and Eric and I just sat and stared at each other for a long moment.
“Well, I guess I should get going,” I finally said. “This feels like about the right amount of time for us to spend together unless we’re plotting to kill people or something.”
I left (forgetting to kiss him goodbye again—whoops!) and headed home, exhausted from my busy day.
When I came in the door, Dermot called out, “Yoo hoo! We’re in here!”
I went into my room and saw Dermot and Claude shirtless and underneath my covers waiting for me much like Alcide had been earlier.
“Oh, hi! I can’t remember … am I mad at you?” I asked Claude.
He just shrugged. I had such a hard time keeping that straight.
They watched me undress and get ready for bed. The fact that they were relatives and that one of them looked just like my brother didn’t really bother me as much as you’d think. In fact, I liked sleeping with them in the bed.
When I stepped out of my panties, my cluviel dor hit the floor.
“Uh oh!” I said, glancing guiltily over at the two handsome fairies. The jig was up. I considered telling them it was just a pair of Oreos glued together, but knew they were too smart to fall for that.
“Oh, no wonder we like it so much here!” Dermot exclaimed.
“You have a cluviel dor?” Claude asked, clapping his hands together. “Well, that certainly explains why I sleep with you in spite of the fact that women gross me out completely.”
We all nodded as I picked it up and brought it into the bed with me.
We snuggled down underneath the covers together and passed the cluviel dor back and forth, getting our fairy jollies every time we touched it.
Finally, Dermot asked, “Have you made your wish yet?”
“No. I can’t seem to decide what I want.”
“Really? You can’t think of something you really desire? Maybe for someone you love?”
Suddenly, the light bulb went on over my head. “Yes!” I said. “I do know something I want!”
I took the cluviel dor from between my legs and held it out, closing my eyes and saying, “I wish Eric wouldn’t marry the Queen of Oklahoma!”
Then I scrambled out of bed and ran to the phone to call Eric.
As soon as he answered, I asked, “Do you still want to marry the Queen of Oklahoma?”
“Yeah, why?” he asked dryly.
“Shoot!” I said. “Something’s wrong.” I looked over to Dermot and Claude, but they were both preoccupied with the cluviel dor. “Let me call you back,” I said to Eric and hung up.
“That’s funny,” I said to my bedfellows. “It didn’t work.”
“That’s impossible,” Claude said. “It has to work. As long as it’s for you or someone you love, it should work. That’s an absolute.”
“Hmmm.” I said, puzzled.
“I wonder, Sookie,” Dermot began carefully. “Is it possible that you don’t really love Eric?”
“No, I don’t think so,” I said, getting back into bed.
“Well, we’ll figure it out,” Dermot said as he turned off the light.
The three of us hunkered down into the bed together and I thought about what he’d said.
Of course I loved Eric! We fit together perfectly. Sure, every time we had sex, I had to ice down my yahoo place. And I had no desire to live with him, knowing I might have to give up my career as a waitress at a failing bar. I had my priorities straight, after all.
And we never seemed to want to spend any time together. I also hated vampire politics—what he seemed to find most fulfilling in his life. And I seemed to want to rub myself on other men. And he seemed to want to marry another woman. But I loved him—I was sure of it.
I certainly knew what love was. Especially after being the recipient of all the unconditional love of Uncle Bartlett, Bill, Quinn. And, of course, Niall. (And who could forget the true love of Preston?)
And I could look all around me to see examples of genuine, long-lasting love. Gran, of course, was my most important role model as a woman faithfully in love with her husband. And then there was Jason—not only was he always wonderful to the women he was involved with, but he clearly loved me and treated me with love and care as well.
But Eric and I said we loved each other and that’s what really mattered, right?
I closed my eyes, exhausted from all the heavy thinking. I’d have to take another look at all this Eric stuff in the morning when I wasn’t so tired.
The soft snoring of Dermot and Claude lulled me to sleep and the occasional far away screams of Mr. Cataliades still being chased through my woods reminded me that I wasn’t alone.
I had a great life—great friends and a classy wardrobe. The uncanny ability to kill things much stronger than I was and now the perfect place to hide the bodies (as well as all my recyclables). All in all, I was a happy girl with a lot to look forward to. My life was pretty perfect. I drifted off to sleep content in the knowledge that things would all be just fine. It was good to be Sookie Stackhouse.